My life 21/04/2017

  I went for a walk on a normal day , a very normal day , very normal . I had spent the night before crying in my bed alone genuinely believe that my boyfriend was going to die on a skiing trip and that he’s most likely cheating on me ( which he never would , I am slightly crazy ) . I woke up feeling the need to get out the house and get some air . I have been feeling on a normal rate okay recently . My downs weren’t so low and my highs weren’t sending me mental . 

I walked and just kept on walking , I took my favourite book Matt Haig – Reasons To Be Alive (you must read this book ) . Suddenly , after eating a whole bag of pick and mix , things hit me like a speed of light , I don’t know what brought it on but it happened . I realised that through my 24 years of life I had lost my magic , whether that was through shit jobs , depression , eating issues or drama I have no clue . But I had lost in a whirl of emotion , the careful person I once was .

I used to dress crazy , like what ever I wanted , I wanted to change my hair colour evey week . I still felt pretty without makeup on . I used to be so carefree , in life in every aspect . That person I now was couldn’t see love in things I have always loved . Which made no sense . I had no trust in partners , yet i used to no have a care in the world when it came to relationships . 

I realised that a lot of who I am now , is and was a reflection of other people . I subciously cared what people thought about me , people’s drama and issues came into my life and messed mine up , as they carryed on with theirs . I will take responsibility , as at the time I clearly didn’t see what that effect had on me . But I let it all be absorbed into my brain and my life at that time and through the years , life became more about caring what others thought and doing things because of other peoples own insecurities . 

Those points all hit . What had happend to that care free person ? I had turned so many relationships sour because of my views of what I thought I deserved , and what I thought I should and shouldn’t do . It became about hiding who I was , just in case someone found out and that would be a very bad thing . 

Yes I’m crazy sometimes , I laugh at everything . I have up until last year always had eating issues , but with serious will power and lots of yoga and counseling I have overcome it , I would never steal from anyone or be racist or homophobic . I think child birth is beautiful yet never ever felt the want to have  children , and that’s okay . I love performing and that’s been my career , but will refuse to do performing jobs filled with drama , shitty people , rude people and rubbish pay . I’m happy grafting and trying any work . I love easily and I don’t care . I like dying my hair all different colours , and no it’s not because I have insecurities in myself it’s simply for the fact I like change . Yes I eat shit food sometimes so we all ? I have a great family . That I would choose to spend time with over anyone . I love my friends and my partner . My partner is one of my best friends and I don’t care if that’s stupid or soppy or setting myself up to fail , he makes me laugh like no other and we like going on hoilday together . 
I will no longer live to serve other peoples opinions on me . If things  arnt okay to have online , don’t look at them or don’t read them . If I should be worried about a future employer knowing I’ve got depression they they arnt worth working for . If I shouldn’t get a tattoo , I most likely will . If people don’t want to make a effort with you stop trying and move onto people that want to try . If people bring up your past , they can be shown the front door . If people think you are  something or you have done something that you no you haven’t or you no your not like , screw them , people are no worth it ! Be happy being you , and I will being me . If anyone from now on brings negativity into my life they will straught away be shown the door . I have been through too much to continue to live my life in the shadow of what people think I should be . You should do the same too .  

 

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29/October/2013

You don’t make me feel the way you used to ,that’s why I am leaving . That’s why people leave each other isn’t it ? You come to your senses and get selfish again . If you have to speculate the chance of someone loving you , chances are they don’t . No one is amazing , certainly not the one who lets you go . What’s worse is waiting around to have him say the words . He’s treated me like crap yet I’m the one still waiting around for him to actually tell me it’s over . I feel like I deserve that at least . I miss his smile but I miss mine even more . 

Note to my 14 year old self …

  1. Don’t worry you will eventually get boobs . 
  2. Playboy handbags are overrated , exspensive and un-cool . You do not need one .
  3. Your not actually in love . Don’t worry you will get over heartbreak . 
  4. Start trying to get a six pack now , it’s going to take you a while.  
  5. You are. Not going to be good at everything , and that’s okay . 
  6. Your life is not over if you start to get spots . 
  7. Be yourself . 
  8. It’s okay yo start your period . Your not dying . 
  9. Zack from Saved By The Bell will always be a heart throb , but he will never marry you . 
  10. Tammy girl will eventually shut down , so buy as many pairs of camo pants as you want . 
  11. Don’t get upset over things that don’t matter . 
  12. Being a adult is stressful , so enjoy being young . 
  13. Stop trying to fit in all the time.
  14. YOU ARE NOT FAT .
  15. Buy your own make up , your mums is 3 stages darker than you . 
  16. GCSE don’t mean shit . Don’t stress about your results or cry. 
  17. You are not “FRIDGED” . 90% of boys that have told you that have never even touched a pair of boobs . 
  18. Your friends will always change , and that’s okay . 
  19. Stop being jealous of other girls .
  20. Be loud about what you being in 

 

Questions from one depressive mind to another …¬†

What is it you constantly feel like your missing ?When you have everything you ever want , why is there always a tiny bit of doubt that things aren’t enough ?Why aren’t you good enough to do certain things in life you want ? Why , if others see the beauty in you can’t you see it in yourself ? Why aren’t you happy ? Why don’t you have the job you want ? Why don’t you wear the clothes you like ? Why aren’t you earning enough money ? Why isn’t your body still perfect ? How many faults in your self image can you pick out today ? Why are you on medication ? Why do the days and nights seem longer ? Why do you cry all the time ? Why are you silent some days ? Why do people keep looking at you ? Do you feel ugly today ? Would things be the same if you weren’t alive ? Why does no one find you attractive ? How much do you hate yourself today ? How much love do you feel today ? If you can write how you feel why don’t you talk to someone ? When your gone will people be happy ? Will you ever have kids ? Get married ? 

My light , his life ..

So most of y’all who have read my blog over time most likely see me as the ultimate lonely single girl hahah . Well that my friends is no more ! I recently met someone who I genuinely feel has compleatly changed my life . He came in and blew fairy dust all over the grey cloud that hangs over my head .
Now , I’ve always been one for being a strong independent women . I think it’s great to be okay on your own. But he has taught me being independent is not about needing someone , it’s about having someone on your team so your not alone . He makes me laugh beyond words . I think he’s my new form of magic ….
Anyway this blog is a call for help . We have both decided to scream “FUCK IT” to the world , and live our life together seeing the world and helping as many people as he can . My partner is in his final stages of becoming a helicopter pilot , so he can be licensed to become a pilot to deliver aid and food supply’s to countries in need , and I will be joing him . Together we aim to help as many people as we can …. 

So we are asking for everyone’s help  , we have raised a bit already but he has been given a oppitunity in Amercia in may to compleate his course . Any donation ( even 1p ) will help as to compleate the whole course is over 20k !!! 

Please help us achieve our dreams and help people out in the world .
https://www.gofundme.com/Hoganshelicopterdream.   

https://www.gofundme.com/Hoganshelicopterdream

https://www.gofundme.com/Hoganshelicopterdream

https://www.gofundme.com/Hoganshelicopterdream

Every . Penny . Counts  

 

A insight into my little world