I went for a walk on a normal day , a very normal day , very normal . I had spent the night before crying in my bed alone genuinely believe that my boyfriend was going to die on a skiing trip and that he’s most likely cheating on me ( which he never would , I am slightly crazy ) . I woke up feeling the need to get out the house and get some air . I have been feeling on a normal rate okay recently . My downs weren’t so low and my highs weren’t sending me mental .
I walked and just kept on walking , I took my favourite book Matt Haig – Reasons To Be Alive (you must read this book ) . Suddenly , after eating a whole bag of pick and mix , things hit me like a speed of light , I don’t know what brought it on but it happened . I realised that through my 24 years of life I had lost my magic , whether that was through shit jobs , depression , eating issues or drama I have no clue . But I had lost in a whirl of emotion , the careful person I once was .
I used to dress crazy , like what ever I wanted , I wanted to change my hair colour evey week . I still felt pretty without makeup on . I used to be so carefree , in life in every aspect . That person I now was couldn’t see love in things I have always loved . Which made no sense . I had no trust in partners , yet i used to no have a care in the world when it came to relationships .
I realised that a lot of who I am now , is and was a reflection of other people . I subciously cared what people thought about me , people’s drama and issues came into my life and messed mine up , as they carryed on with theirs . I will take responsibility , as at the time I clearly didn’t see what that effect had on me . But I let it all be absorbed into my brain and my life at that time and through the years , life became more about caring what others thought and doing things because of other peoples own insecurities .
Those points all hit . What had happend to that care free person ? I had turned so many relationships sour because of my views of what I thought I deserved , and what I thought I should and shouldn’t do . It became about hiding who I was , just in case someone found out and that would be a very bad thing .
Yes I’m crazy sometimes , I laugh at everything . I have up until last year always had eating issues , but with serious will power and lots of yoga and counseling I have overcome it , I would never steal from anyone or be racist or homophobic . I think child birth is beautiful yet never ever felt the want to have children , and that’s okay . I love performing and that’s been my career , but will refuse to do performing jobs filled with drama , shitty people , rude people and rubbish pay . I’m happy grafting and trying any work . I love easily and I don’t care . I like dying my hair all different colours , and no it’s not because I have insecurities in myself it’s simply for the fact I like change . Yes I eat shit food sometimes so we all ? I have a great family . That I would choose to spend time with over anyone . I love my friends and my partner . My partner is one of my best friends and I don’t care if that’s stupid or soppy or setting myself up to fail , he makes me laugh like no other and we like going on hoilday together .
I will no longer live to serve other peoples opinions on me . If things arnt okay to have online , don’t look at them or don’t read them . If I should be worried about a future employer knowing I’ve got depression they they arnt worth working for . If I shouldn’t get a tattoo , I most likely will . If people don’t want to make a effort with you stop trying and move onto people that want to try . If people bring up your past , they can be shown the front door . If people think you are something or you have done something that you no you haven’t or you no your not like , screw them , people are no worth it ! Be happy being you , and I will being me . If anyone from now on brings negativity into my life they will straught away be shown the door . I have been through too much to continue to live my life in the shadow of what people think I should be . You should do the same too .